Making It

life is flying by. way too fast. my babies are four, tomas is in first grade, caleb is growing into a small man and alecia is getting way too mature. i'm not too sure where it went. some days i'm thrilled they are becoming more independent, other days it scares the crap out of me.
the big kids played soccer this fall. ok, tomas and alecia played all season. caleb got into some trouble and I pulled him out. yes, i'm a mean mom like that. I didn't think it would be so brutal for 1st graders and 4th graders! wrong! but, they had loads of fun. and we loved watching the games. for alecia's last practice, her coach sent a text out to parents that said it would be a parents vs. kids game. we came prepared, bart and myself. the kids won, that's no surprise there. the most disappointing thing is that barely any parents showed up. just the usual ones who actually sit through Indiana summer heat, rain and fall wind and falling temps. it was us, and three other moms. out of over 15 kids, only four were supported by their parents.
which leads me to the reason for this particular post. what exactly is it I want my kids to remember, to take away from their childhood?
i want them to think about the little things i did that seemed to be old school. the things that i took pride in. the notes i left in their lunchbox of folders, the time i spent in their classroom, how i made and decorated their birthday cakes myself. do i think it makes me a better parent? absolutely not. i'm not a perfect parent, i am far from it! i make mistakes daily. at the end of the day, when they are finally in bed and i fall into the couch, i look back at how i yelled, how i was too impatient to get the whole story, how i promised them i would sit down and listen to the story they were reading. but the day ran out of time. my day runs out of time A LOT! it just happens with five kids, a husband who works ridiculous hours, a dog and a house that constantly needs attention. i run out of steam. i make great plans as i go to bed at night. i think about the morning; when i will wake up early and make them homemade waffles and wash fourteen loads of laundry, teach G&P preschool, bake a cake and have a good dinner on the table before bart leaves for work. half of it doesn't happen.
but i want them to know my plans for them. it is ok for them to see me not do everything on my list and have it be ok. it is ok for them to see me frazzled and stressed because i want the best for them. i want to know i worry about them. for them. i want them to know my hopes of them being happy and educated and safe. i want them to know i cared. if they know and understand that, i think i will be ok.